Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day 5 — Your dreams

30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 5 — Your dreams

I don't think I really have dreams anymore. I don't have a place I want to go. A career I aspire to have. Nothing I'm saving up for, nothing I have planned. My depression makes it incredibly hard to dream. I have really avoided thinking about the future for the last few months. It scares me so bad. If I think any further than the current day or week, I start to panic.

I guess I hadn't realized until just now that I have no dreams. Maybe some vague ones, like owning a house one day, or learning to sew better, or something like that. There is no direction I have planned for my life to go. I take everything one day at a time, and I try to prepare for the future; teaching my children, paying off debt, talking about Jason's career...but I don't dream of anything special. I am afraid to picture myself at 50 with grown children, and maybe even a grandkid. I'm scared that something will happen, and my beautiful family will be taken away from me, or that I will leave them.

You know, I do have a dream. My dream is to not deal with anxiety and depression anymore. That's what I need to focus on and plan for. I have been dealing with it all my life, and visiting doctors for over a decade. I feel like there are better solutions out there for me, if I could only find someone skilled and caring enough to work with me to get them. I get tired of seeing doctors over and over and over again, with no clue what they are doing. Doctors who haven't been to medical school in 30+ years. Doctors who view me as the hour of talking between them and a paycheck. Doctors who have their own personal agenda to push on me. I need to keep telling myself that there is someone out there who cares, who can help. That is my dream.

So, to my dreams...I hope that one day I can feel better enough to start dreaming about life again, not about being scared of life.

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