Sunday, October 9, 2011

I give up...

So I gave up on the 30 day letter challenge. It's probably because of my outlook, but I just felt like everything was negative. I wrote a letter that was very painful for me, and the next topic could only be about the same person, and I didn't want to do that. I would rather write letters to people I love than people who hurt me.

I am feeling very helpless lately at the pain of my friend Tory. Watching her little girl suffer through cancer is absolutely heart wrenching, and there is nothing any of us can do for her but wait. My chest aches with sadness that I can't even be there as a friend. I miss this family, they are like part of my own. I try to share her story with people so they can be more compassionate. You cannot understand the pain of a story like that until some part of you lives with it. You go on every day, apathetic to the world around you, and you hear about things and feel nothing. I don't want to make people sad, I don't even necessarily want them to do anything about it. I think that the ability to relate and commiserate helps us to be kinder people. Sharing Riker's life makes it feel like maybe all is not lost, if her story can help someone to comfort when they would have yelled, or donate when they would have walked on by, or read when they would have turned the page. And when it all comes down to it, it makes me feel like I am personally doing something, even if it accomplishes nothing.

In other news, I am losing weight. At least, I was a few days ago. This is big news for me. I have dieted and exercised before, and never lost an ounce. Then I start running, and I drop 5 lbs. I am so thankful for the motivation of friends and acquaintances, because half the time, that's what gets my shoes on. If someone else who is overweight and not atheletic can hop on the treadmill, I can, too. I enjoy running.

I am thankful for everything good in my life, and most everything is good. I'm battling with depression and anxiety, but keeping busy is helping.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

To Henry and Eyvelynn, in 30 years,

I sat for a long time this morning thinking about who I would want to meet. I looked at future 3dlc topics, and there is already one for someone deceased that you would like to speak with, and that's all I had. I thought, if I were pregnant, I would have someone to write about. And then it came to me that I already have two people that I dream of meeting.

To my beautiful children, you are my world. I love you both so much that it hurts. It truly does. I ache with pride at what my babies can do. My dream in life is to meet you guys when you are older. When you have finished school, when you have jobs, when you are married, when you have children of your own. If you are gay, straight, somewhere in between, if you are rich and live in a big house, or if you are scraping by in a studio apartment, I want to know you. If you are a doctor or a custodian, a health nut or sedentary. No matter what or who you are, I will always love you.

I hope that I am raising you to be the adults that I imagine you to be. I constantly question myself, and I know I make mistakes. I hate that I do. I think about all the stories I should have read, all the vegetables I should have served, all the times I get angry when I should get down on my knees to your level and help you understand. I don't know how you will turn out. I don't know who you will be. But I hope you can grow up to love me and know that I did my best, and I hope dearly that we will still be close when you are grown and moved away.

You two are my greatest work, my masterpieces. I pour everything I have into your molds, and I know this means you will be made of some of the bad parts of me, as well as the good ones. I hope you don't have to deal with my depression and anxiety. I hope you have better social skills. I want you to be fulfilled and happy no matter where you are in life. All I want in this world is to know you. If I never accomplish anything else, I want to be there to watch you grow up and blossom into adults with lives and dreams of your own. You are the most amazing gift I could ever hope to receive, and I adore the both of you, and I always will. You are my world.

Your Mom

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

To Art Deco Dame/Bakelite Broad/Desiree K...

I saw this topic in my letter challenge and thought, oh snap, I know who this will be about! Isn't it crazy to think we have been friends for like 5 years? I'm pretty sure I knew you when you were pregnant with Heidi.

I don't recall how I came to be friends with you. I know it started with Livejournal and Myspace, though. I remember hearing more in depth about what was going on with you, through LJ. Social media formats have kind of changed, so now I get more of an overview. Still, I am glad we are in touch!

Even though we are only "internet friends", you are still an important part of my life. You "get" all my vintage stuff. Everyone else thinks I'm weird, for the most part. You make me feel just a little bit more normal obsessing over 60 year old dresses and expensive 50s china and danish modern furniture. I love seeing all your finds, and I like to share things I think you would like.

I also like watching your kiddos grow up. Heidi amazes me with her attitude and intelligence. She is just like her mom! I remember baby Heidi, and all the tough times you were going through then. I remember you waiting for Wayland to come, and now he is so grown up. He is such a little Josh! And here you are getting into your first house. You've come a long way.

I come across several things in my house that I have bought from you or that you have shared, and think of you guys. The space chair, the pink ceramic poodle, the vintage baby gowns, etc. I am going to start on that cowboy blanket for Wayland soon.

Anywho, thanks for being my friend! I'm glad you can finally have a home, have your family together, and I am excited to see what you do with it all. I hope one day we actually get to see each other, and we can be real know, irl. Haha.


Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

To He Who Must Not Be Named,

I haven't seen or heard from you in about 6 years, and I still have nightmares about you. I still get scared when I see someone who looks like you. I am afraid to go visit my home town, for fear you will find me and hurt me. You inflicted the deepest, most violent kind of pain without ever touching me. I wish you would have. I wished so bad that I had bruises instead of memories, because then maybe people would believe me. You don't know what it's like to be mentally abused, and to have everyone call you a liar. To carry the burden of all your disgusting, vile words and actions, all while getting everyone you knew to think I was a slutty, diseased, lying piece of garbage. To have my friends turn against me because of the lies you told them. They way you followed me, through school, through town, online...I couldn't get away. I can't imagine how many people there are who still don't know the truth, who still believe everything you said.

It was ironic, how you always made up stories about me, doing the very things YOU were doing. You would threaten me, and then tell everyone I did it to you. You would cheat on me, and tell everyone I cheated on you. You slept with so many girls, and then told everyone I was a whore. I don't know what it is about you, but you are an accomplished liar. I believed you. Even with everyone I knew telling me everything you had done, I didn't believe it. I don't know why. Maybe it's because no one had ever cared for me before. Boys didn't like me. I didn't want to lose having someone who wanted me around. Who thought I was pretty.

Once I sat back and really thought about it, I realized how much of what you said couldn't have been true. Where you lived, where you went to school, your family life, sex life, drug use, even making up a story about a dead friend to get pity. But you solved that problem, didn't you? By dating a girl with cancer. See, you killed two birds with one knew she would sleep with you because she was a virgin and she was dying, and then when she died, you could make future girlfriends feel bad for you by talking about her. You would deny it, but I knew you. I really, truly, honestly believe that you have no conscience whatsoever. You are a monster. I am happily married to a man that I love, with two beautiful children, and I still can't stop worrying that you will come find me and hurt me somehow. It is scary to think that you could hurt someone so bad at a mere 16 years of age.

I don't ever want to see you or speak to you again, for the rest of my life. I don't want to confront you, I have nothing to say to you. I know that you have no feelings and will never change. I've written lots of things like this, so I know it won't change me later. This is the topic for day 7, and I'm just following the rules...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day 6 — A stranger

30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 6 — A stranger

To someone who has never met me:

You think you know me. You take a quick glance at me, and I can see the disgust wash over you. The corners of your mouth drop their smile. You don't turn away -  you lock your feet in place, determined to stand your ground and make me scoot around you. You won't be made to feel uncomfortable. I will.

People look at me and assume a lot of things. That I'm ignorant. That I'm wreckless. That I do drugs, that I'm slutty, that I don't love or take care of my children, that I'm childish. People think I look the way I do for others, which could not be further from the truth. The general consensus is that about 5% of men find a heavily tattooed woman attractive. Lots of folks let me know that they think they make me ugly. I have had family members say it makes me ugly.

For some reason, folks assume that my body art makes me immune to crticism. I cannot imagine what would compell a total stranger to walk up to me and tell me that I look horrible. I would never squeeze someone's boobs, asking if they are real. I would never tell a stranger that I think their type of haircut is ugly. I would never say that a person would look great, if only they didn't have that shirt on. But these are the type of comments I get, all the time. I am made to feel like a lesser human being when I go places, because of a choice I have made that doesn't affect anyone but me. A choice that does not define me.

It's hard to be different. People don't like my clothes. I love vintage stuff. Most everyone else thinks I dress like an old lady and they wouldn't be caught dead in my clothes. That's fine. I wouldn't be caught dead in the shit most people are wearing nowdays. But I would never say that to someone. I have had several friends tell me how ugly they think my clothes are. And it hurts. I realize people don't like it, but they don't have to. I like it. I enjoy my 60s dresses and my heels and my red lipstick, and anyone who doesn't can keep their mouth shut.

So, to all the strangers out don't know me. You have never met me, spoken to me, or spent any length of time with me. You know nothing about me at all other than what you see, and that tells you next to nothing. I might fit some of the stereotypes out there, but I promise I don't fit all of them. Look at everyone with a blank slate.

Day 5 — Your dreams

30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 5 — Your dreams

I don't think I really have dreams anymore. I don't have a place I want to go. A career I aspire to have. Nothing I'm saving up for, nothing I have planned. My depression makes it incredibly hard to dream. I have really avoided thinking about the future for the last few months. It scares me so bad. If I think any further than the current day or week, I start to panic.

I guess I hadn't realized until just now that I have no dreams. Maybe some vague ones, like owning a house one day, or learning to sew better, or something like that. There is no direction I have planned for my life to go. I take everything one day at a time, and I try to prepare for the future; teaching my children, paying off debt, talking about Jason's career...but I don't dream of anything special. I am afraid to picture myself at 50 with grown children, and maybe even a grandkid. I'm scared that something will happen, and my beautiful family will be taken away from me, or that I will leave them.

You know, I do have a dream. My dream is to not deal with anxiety and depression anymore. That's what I need to focus on and plan for. I have been dealing with it all my life, and visiting doctors for over a decade. I feel like there are better solutions out there for me, if I could only find someone skilled and caring enough to work with me to get them. I get tired of seeing doctors over and over and over again, with no clue what they are doing. Doctors who haven't been to medical school in 30+ years. Doctors who view me as the hour of talking between them and a paycheck. Doctors who have their own personal agenda to push on me. I need to keep telling myself that there is someone out there who cares, who can help. That is my dream.

So, to my dreams...I hope that one day I can feel better enough to start dreaming about life again, not about being scared of life.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Day 4 — Your sibling

30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 4 — Your sibling

Dear Tron Tran Trin Tron,

I don't talk to you enough. I wish you weren't such a tool and would call me and visit me more. I also think you are dumb for deleting Facebook. It's kind of like you died.

Anywho, I say all this because I miss you. Lame, I know. But I wish you talked to me or hung out with me more. You drive down this way all the time, but you only ever pass through. I miss playing Halo and staying up on Christmas Eve singing songs, and eating delicious food and watching Zim. Henry misses you too. Eyvie is growing up so fast. Did I mention that you don't come by enough?

So yeah, I'm glad you're cool and stuff, and that we get along, and that I didn't end up with some Neo Nazi or televangelist or vegan fitness trainer for a sister. We are both awkward freaks of nature.

This is hard. I'm pretty sure that I have only told you I loved you once in the past 10 years or so. I do not write you heartwarming letters expressing my feelings. Calling you a bitch is practically giving you a Hallmark card, as far as I'm concerned.

So yeah. Call me more. Spend a weekend here one of these times. Come visit your niece and nephew. We might move away here in a few years, and you won't get the chance to be around...