Sunday, October 9, 2011

I give up...

So I gave up on the 30 day letter challenge. It's probably because of my outlook, but I just felt like everything was negative. I wrote a letter that was very painful for me, and the next topic could only be about the same person, and I didn't want to do that. I would rather write letters to people I love than people who hurt me.

I am feeling very helpless lately at the pain of my friend Tory. Watching her little girl suffer through cancer is absolutely heart wrenching, and there is nothing any of us can do for her but wait. My chest aches with sadness that I can't even be there as a friend. I miss this family, they are like part of my own. I try to share her story with people so they can be more compassionate. You cannot understand the pain of a story like that until some part of you lives with it. You go on every day, apathetic to the world around you, and you hear about things and feel nothing. I don't want to make people sad, I don't even necessarily want them to do anything about it. I think that the ability to relate and commiserate helps us to be kinder people. Sharing Riker's life makes it feel like maybe all is not lost, if her story can help someone to comfort when they would have yelled, or donate when they would have walked on by, or read when they would have turned the page. And when it all comes down to it, it makes me feel like I am personally doing something, even if it accomplishes nothing.

In other news, I am losing weight. At least, I was a few days ago. This is big news for me. I have dieted and exercised before, and never lost an ounce. Then I start running, and I drop 5 lbs. I am so thankful for the motivation of friends and acquaintances, because half the time, that's what gets my shoes on. If someone else who is overweight and not atheletic can hop on the treadmill, I can, too. I enjoy running.

I am thankful for everything good in my life, and most everything is good. I'm battling with depression and anxiety, but keeping busy is helping.

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